October 26th, 2008
|06:04 pm - Hooboy -- Dealy! Delay!|
I am now in the Philippines, left the states 9/14, one day after Steve's wedding, which was an interesting day. There to Heathrow, to Alan's, two days later to Amsterdam to meet alexis and back to Heathrow, where British Immigration wanted to know what I thought I was up to. I don't blame them. There everything was fresh and exciting til I hit a pickpocket in the underground and all hell broke loose emotionally. I was in a different, if not strange, country, no money, and no access to same. Not good -- I felt so vulnerable, and worthless, too, somehow.
Gary wired me money so I was okay, and Alexis' stash cashed a check for me. But I still have the uneasiness, and watch everything on my person like a hawk. I have had the guilts for not writing anything for such a momentous long time, but I think it's necessary. My letters to people are acting as journaling too, and I think I will add them here so they have a repository, but keep in mind they are largely glossing over the heavier emotional stuff. Feeling abandoned, shoved out, misunderstood and the usual ball of wax. Alan is the only one who has understood this isn't necessarily a glamorous holiday, but a reinvention of a life. Job gone was hard, cats gone much harder, and house gone killed me. Money nearly gone, and that's hard. I do have a shot or two at work here, visa notwithstanding, and that will help my sense of myself and my finances both enormously.
Alexis is difficult. She is, my guess, unhappy, and it shows in everything. While at Alan's she picked at him -- but not directly. She told me all the things she was unhappy with, and like an idiot I told him after she had gone back. Shouldn't have -- all it did was make him miserable since the bulk of the issues were with the house. They are NOT about how he keeps the house. They are her wanting some kind of magic wand to make the house, every time, exactly as she left it, but still wanting to collect rent. She has a distinction between renting a room and having the use of the house, but wanting the rest of the house untouched -- but cleaned. And housekeeper/caretaker chores handled, but the money going the wrong way for that. I tried to explain it, got nowhere, gave up and it was such a huge mistake to let Alan know of it. Damn. Can't take it back.
Here in the P'pines it is all alexis' house. I have now moved the bulk of my stuff into the little sitting room in the front, which is nice. We've arranged the furniture so I feel I have a space of my own and am not in her lap day in and day out, which helps. My little sewing machine is up, plugged in and will be ready to go once I find some sewing machine oil. These FR's drink oil like mother's milk and need lots. I have the use of their US landline to call home and Bill every couple of days, and that helps, too. I don't feel so cut off and am starting to see things as opportunities more than fears. I am always so reluctant to impose and here I am living the ultimate imposition. More to come -- will append a few entries from the letters I wrote at various times just to give this (and myself!) an idea of where I've been.
Current Mood: cheerful
No dear, not a mistake. A concern shared as you knew what her approval meant to me, but you couldn't know what her disapproval would do to me.
It was a warning I needed though, to know what sort of state of mind she is in, and to pull back, protect myself. It did hurt a lot, it did throw me a lot. It is a kick to get my own place. I am kinda dreading what will happen if that happens though, when I have to bring up that conversation.
You didn't however do wrong. Your worry about me and the situation was and is touching and means a lot to me. I am very sorry though you were put in the middle, it was an intolerable thing and I am as cross with her about that as anything, as she knows we are close.
I am glad you are finding good things to look at, you need to concentrate on those. Opportunities you are learning to find in difficult times. I think you are bloody brave and you have my total admiration. I couldn't do it.
|Date:||October 30th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)|| |
Bloodied Yes, Brave, No
Nights like tonight I see no bravery here, just stupid blind optimism that got me here. But thank you anyway -- tonight is dust and ashes; tomorrow, with luck, I'll see some sunshine again. :)